Does it get more simultaneously pathetic and irritating than the whining we’ve had to put up with from Celtic for the past few weeks? In case you’ve missed Celtic stop just short of accusing Rapid Vienna of war crimes, a recap of the situation can be found in today’s Guardian.

In fairness to Celtic’s current crop of players, the hysterics have come from fans and from former players, but, usually, embarrassing undertakings like this are done in the name of something or someone, bigger than the ranting individual, so fairly or unfairly, the whole club has its name attached on some level.

As the Guardian article correctly points out, if Celtic didn’t lose the moral high ground the moment the first object was thrown at Celtic Park, they certainly said so long, farewell, good night, auf wiedersehen to any semblance of it when their supporters physically attacked Rapid players.

I certainly sympathize with obsession and pointless grudge holding, but when it moves from the realm of good humor to yelling about CIA satellites on a city street corner, enough is enough. First of all, you aren’t the first or last team to lose in controversial circumstances. Second of all it’s a nice, little historical connection to the present day, not a Shakespearean injustice.

Leaving the specifics aside for a moment, I guess what bothers me the most is that, ultimately, this is just another instance of a British club being knocked out of Europe and immediately resorting to the ‘we were cheated by those dastardly foreigners’ narrative. The misanthrope in me is really hoping that Rapid Vienna will be awarded a dubious penalty or borderline offside goal deep into stoppage time, right in the middle of You’ll Never Walk Alone.

1975-1976 Liverpool 4 – Club Brugge 3

At least this didn’t get shoehorned into Sloop John B…

As we all know, and probably could comfortably live for the next century without being reminded again, Liverpool have won five European Cups. Their UEFA Cup wins are less celebrated, but the 1976 UEFA Cup final clash with Belgium’s Club Brugge is arguably the best European tie they ever participated in. (Yes, that includes that night in Istanbul.)

What makes this final so special is that it was so tightly contested over both legs. Liverpool definitely proved worthy of the victory, but if Brugge had managed to score one more time and win on away goals, Liverpool could hardly have had any complaints either.

Finding themselves two goals down, at Anfield, within fifteen minutes must have been galling for Liverpool, although Brugge did display some tidy passing work themselves. It’s also somewhat surprising that they didn’t actually break through until the second half, as they were all over the Belgians. The first goal was a great strike from the edge of the penalty area by Kennedy, and the second goal proved, once again, the danger of possessing a superlative player like Kevin Keegan. Three defenders converged on him, allowing him to slide the ball to an unmarked Kennedy, who hit the post before Jimmy Case tapped in the rebound. The penalty for the third goal was, to say the least, questionable.

If the first leg was defined by Liverpool’s comeback, the second leg was heartbreak for the Belgians. Brugge got their own soft penalty early in the second leg to cancel out Heighway’s dive, but couldn’t defend an indirect free kick strike from Keegan. Liverpool did well to hold off Brugge for the remainder of the game. They didn’t create as many chances as Liverpool did during their first leg fight back, but they were the more likely of the two teams to score. A shot by Raoul Lambert that absolutely smashed against the near post proved to be a fatal missed opportunity.

It’s no wonder when Liverpool and Brugge met again in the 1978 European Cup final, that Brugge were content with trying to kill the game. As for 1976, you couldn’t ask for a better example of why we all get so worked up about 22 men kicking a ball around.

1980-1981 Ipswich Town 5 – AZ Alkmaar 4

Bobby Robson’s Ipswich Town are one of the great forgotten English teams. A steadily improving side throughout the 1970s, they won the FA Cup in 1978 and would seriously challenge for the championship in the 80-81 and 81-82 seasons. Of course, they also found the time to storm through the UEFA Cup, which included demolishing a Saint Etienne team 7-2 on aggregate with Platini and Rep.

Led by Dutch imports Arnold Mühren and Frans Thijssen, Ipswich grafted some continental technique onto the usual British power, and it proved too much for AZ to deal with. Ipswich’s first leg goals were really a matter of simple acceleration into space.

The 3-0 result for Ipswich in the first leg made AZ’s comeback attempt largely academic, although definitely exciting. All in all, a deserved reward for Ipswich.

1987-1988 Bayer Leverkusen 3 (3) – Espanyol 3 (2)

A collapse that can only be described as utter.

In terms of names, this was hardly a marquee match up. No matter how unfair it seems, Espanyol will always live in Barcelona’s massive shadow and in 1988 Leverkusen were, like Bayer brothers Uerdingen, a nothing corporate entity from nowhere. (Not that it hampered their ability to play football, of course.)

For some reason, the 1988 UEFA Cup final is often described in terms of Espanyol’s heartbreak. The events on the field tell a different story. It’s almost as if Espanyol were shocked that Leverkusen continued to play in the second leg like they had a chance of winning. All three Leverkusen goals were the result of defending that was lackadasical in effort and amateurish in execution. Again, Bayer’s efforts should not be discounted. Although the first goal resulted from a poor clearance that went straight to Tita, the second and third were wonderful headed efforts.

Espanyol were forced to relive their collapse, writ small, in the penalty shootout. After taking an early advantage, Espanyol lost their nerve after Santiago Urquiaga beat Rüdiger Vollborn but hit the underside of the crossbar. Leverkusen did not miss again, and Espanyol’s next two efforts were hit straight at Vollborn and over the bar, respectively.

Leverkusen rarely receive the credit they deserve for this performance.

1988-1989 Napoli 5 – Stuttgart 4

Napoli’s finest hour, featuring a classic, yet underrated, Maradona performance.

The close aggregate score actually flatters Stuttgart, who were not awful, but were assuredly outclassed by Napoli. Stuttgart were at their most dangerous from set pieces, they simply lacked the requisite creativity attacking from open play (too many aimless punts forward in the highlights alone,) and their defending was often uncomposed. Their tendency to over commit multiple defenders to the ball carrier was responsible for several Napoli goals.

I have no idea why Maradona’s performance in these two games isn’t immediately categorized with his 1986 World Cup efforts. He only scored once over the two legs from the penalty spot, but was instrumental in nearly everything Napoli did creatively.

My favorite Maradona moment in this final is his assist for Ciro Ferrara’s goal in the second leg. A deflected corner finds its way back to Maradona, at which point pretty much every Stuttgart player between him and the goal turns and starts towards him, so he simply heads the ball back across to Ferrara who needs just one touch to score.

Also, credit is due to Stuttgart for pulling two late goals back. It was very much a positive stereotypical German, they aren’t beaten until the final whistle performance. Napoli were probably a little relieved that the game ended when it did.

Semi related fun fact: from 1989 to 1999 only the 1996 final did not feature an Italian team.

The last UEFA Cup final is going to be an event that launches a thousand lists, so no points for originality here. There are five days until this year’s final, so I’d like to spend them counting down my top five UEFA Cup finals.

2006-2007 Sevilla 2 (3) – Espanyol 2 (1)

A stand out among the modern finals featuring attacking play of the highest caliber. Sevilla were the defending champions, the darlings of Europe and very much involved in the La Liga title race. Espanyol, a talented but inconsistent mid-table side, shone in the UEFA Cup, where they quietly advanced to the semi finals and demolished a favored Werder Bremen.

This game, “an instant classic,” really was a cliché writer’s dream. “Both teams really went for it.” “They just couldn’t be seperated.” “A brave Espanyol team deserved better.” And so on.

Penalties, for once, actually did heighten the drama instead of cutting it off at the knees. A true “celebration of football.”

Here’s a fun UEFA Cup final from days of yore, when UEFA Cups were not handed out like so many supermarket samples of an exciting new cookie based on the result of a single game.

IFK Göteborg were paired with a Hamburg side that would win the European Cup the following season. Swedish sides were certainly more imposing in those days, but Hamburg were still expected to win without too much complication. That didn’t quite work out for them.

Personally, I think losing the first leg in the 87th minute to a goal that would have made Charles Reep declare “jolly good” was the dealbreaker.

Also, how great is the cross that leads to Göteborg’s first goal in the second leg?

My three candidates are as follows:

1988: Bayer Leverkusen 3-3 Espanyol
One of the great comebacks in European history. The opening leg was in Spain, and Espanyol took a commanding 3-0 lead on a brace from Roberto Losada. When things went back to Germany, it looked very much like the Spanish side would hold on, as it was still 3-0 on aggregate at halftime, but a second-half explosion saw Leverkusen bring it back to 3-3 by the end of regular time. The clincher was an 81st minute strike from Cha Bum-Kun, the greatest player in Korean football history. After a scoreless extra time, the tie went to penalties, and Leverkusen lifted the cup, winning the shootout 3-2.

2003: Porto 3-2 Celtic
After the two sides felt each other out for most of the first half, Jose Mourinho’s Porto opened the scoring just before the interval, but each time they scored, Henrik Larsson answered, and after 90 minutes it was 2-2. It took an extra time goal from Derlei to finish off the Bhoys. The trip was a proud one for Celtic not only in terms of reaching a European final, but also because even with an estimated 80,000 Hoops fans in Seville, not a single incident was reported by police.

1989: Napoli 5-4 Stuttgart
Back when finals were decided over two legs, a format I am glad is now in the past. After Maradona’s Napoli had come from behind to beat Juventus in the quarterfinals, they took down Bayern in the semis, and moved on to a final with another Bundesliga side in Stuttgart. They took a slight advantage from the opening leg in Naples, which ended 2-1 to the Italians. Maradona himself got a goal in the 68th minute, to start a comeback after Stuttgart’s early opener. The return leg in Germany, though, would produce the real fireworks, as Napoli went up 3-1 by the 60th minute. Stuttgart fought back hard, forcing an own goal from the aptly named Fernando de Napoli and a goal of their own to tie it up. But it wasn’t enough to overcome the Italians, and Napoli won 5-4 on aggregate.

Any other suggestions?

The reason I concentrate on Karlsruher’s victory and not on one of the other games that day is that in the past few years, the club has made a dramatic comeback. They won 2. Bundesliga last season, putting them right back in the top flight, and unlike relegation mates Rostock and Duisberg, who are hanging in or near the relegation zone, KSC is letting everyone in the Bundesliga know that they are up to stay. Currently in 5th, they would be back in the UEFA Cup if the season ended today, so we may still have some stories to tell in the future about Karlsruher in Europe.

The first leg, in Birmingham, was a goal-fest, and finished 4-3 to the English side. The return to Barcelona was a cagier match, with Barca just able to even up the aggregate with a 1-0 win. Under today’s away goals rule, Barca would have won, but there was no such rule in 1957, and so it went to a third match. This playoff match was played fifty years ago today, on 26 November 1957. Barcelona took the match 2-1, and advanced to the final, where they would crush the London XI squad 8-2, including a 6-0 win in Barcelona that remains one of the club’s greatest European victories. This playoff would be the first of several long runs for Birmingham City in the ICFC. They would make the final in 1960 and 1961, losing to Barcelona again and Roma, respectively. Barcelona would win a total of four Inter-Cities Fairs Cups, including the last one in 1971. The next year, the tournament’s rules were altered and name changed to create the tournament we all make fun ofknow and love as the UEFA Cup.